I’ ve always seen my sex and gender as an accident of my birth. Something that was handed to me. Since I didn’t feel like a boy/man I sort of accepted it.
Since I was a child I’ve fought against gender stereotypes. I hated being told that I couldn’t be good at something because I was a girl. (To be clear, I made my share of ignorant comments when I was growing up, but not of the sexist variety.) I strongly identify as a feminist and that hasn’t changed. I’ve faced a lot of discrimination, misogyny and sexual violence as a girl and woman — or as someone perceived that way.
Until recently I’d thought, OK, I’m a butch lesbian woman who hates being stereotyped, but basically I’m one of the sensible cis lesbians who aren’t unhinged transphobes. Then I started to allow myself to identify as gender non-conforming or genderqueer and started using she/they pronouns. Being a “they”, even only sometimes, has felt like a worn-in old pair of boots, whereas being a “she” has felt like a pair that’s a size too small. Something I could put on and cope with but couldn’t be described as comfortable.
I’ve realised that a humming sense of discomfort as I go through life can’t only be attributed to being angry at how women are treated, even though that’s huge. A portion is because I don’t feel like a woman. Can I explain why in a logical manner? No. Obviously women are all varied and all feel differently. There isn’t a universal experience of womanhood, just as there isn’t a universal experience of being trans. I’ve no real idea why some of us feel this way and some of us don’t. But, at the same time, my desire to be who I am now outweighs my desire for other people’s approval or comfort.
Support
My experience is, compared to most trans people, one of huge privilege (or, more accurately, lack of oppression). My partner is supportive. My employer will be supportive. My friends will be supportive. I have a strong network of people who will not only be not bothered about it but will be actively lovely about it.
I’m also extremely lucky that I don’t feel the acute level of dysphoria that a lot of trans people feel. I wouldn’t say I’m cosy-comfy in this body but it’s sort of whatever. I don’t feel like I urgently need medical support to change my body, which is very different from many trans people. It means I automatically have it easier.
What I do know is:
• When well-meaning people call me “the lady” or “miss” in public out of politeness, it makes me feel a little bit sick.
• When I hear “they” about myself, I feel happy.
• I don’t feel connected to my birth name but feel connected to something more gender-neutral.
• I would love to have a more masculine face and jawline. (The thing is, though, testosterone is a real roll of the dice: it could largely skip this and just give me a hairy back instead.)
• It would be a lot less annoying (from an administrative perspective) to continue with the same pronouns, name and presentation, but on some level it seems to be causing me pain and discomfort.
• If I could start living “authentically” now, it could make me much happier in the long term.
There are varying views among non-binary people, some of which are a bit annoying. We’re all different people just trying to live our lives. But I want people to know that I don’t think I am better or more evolved because I feel this way. I am just a human being trying my best.