Cor, bit embarrassing, that loans-for-lordships business. It seems it’s not cricket to give someone a title if they help you out of a tight spot. It was OK for the Tories and Liberals before us, so why not?

See, we don’t get enough dosh from trade unions any more - something about “attacking their members”, they reckon. As we know, unions are small, unrepresentative, elitist, special interest groups, so the obvious alternative is the filthy rich, who, by contrast, are ... um ... never mind.

I came up with a cracking argument. Because political parties can’t be trusted not to have thoroughly dodgy finances, we should get public funding instead! Brilliant! I was thinking of suggesting that people who can’t help robbing banks should be given a vault full of state-owned gold bullion. But I’m not sure people would swallow that one.

Some people say I’m Tony Blair’s lap dog, but even the poodle’s got to growl every now and then, eh? It was this schools stuff - totally abolishing comprehensive education was going a bit far even for me!

Mind you, as soon as he chucked me a tiny fragment of bone, I cuddled into his lap again. I made my point, and why should I care if Tone is still going ahead with giving state schools to private businesses?

Hey, if I can get one of those rich geezers to lend me a couple of mil, I could sponsor my very own school! Prescott Academy! Slogan: do you homework, else I’ll chin yer.